Sexta.

Por mais caricato que possa parecer, a presença da sexta feira sempre foi ilustre ao me apresentar coisas inóspitas e inesperadas. Lembro uma ocasião em que pediram o meu isqueiro malandramente emprestado para usar crack (sim, olha que abuso) e, por incrível que pareça, queriam me devolvê-lo - coisa que recusei de imediato. Na época eu agi como se fosse algo comum, pois se você vive em São Paulo por um tempo isso pode ser uma das coisas mais triviais que possa acontecer no seu dia-a-dia... Mas definitivamente não é. E é justamente por isso que cá estou mais uma vez para celebrar um devaneio perdido em forma de texto, com o objetivo de salientar minha opinião de que a prática do mal se tornou tão comum que notoriamente ela nos passa desapercebida enquanto vivemos.

A ideia geral dessa dissertação tem sua origem com a premissa básica de que se você é um ser humano e está aqui agora lendo isso, em algum momento da sua jornada para cumprir seu ciclo existencial já causou o mal para algum ser vivo deste planeta. Eu poderia citar caralhadas de exemplos para enaltecer este ponto de vista, mas apenas este aqui me basta:


Se você como ser humano se importar com todas as formigas que andam no chão antes de caminhar, todos os passos subsequentes de sua vida serão um inferno.


Não que eu seja digno para julgar os serial killers de formigas (não sou), mas esse simples exemplo me coloca em uma linha de raciocínio um tanto quanto assustadora quando paro para pensar na ideia de que não existe uma alma completamente pura neste planeta - que consiga ler e interpretar este texto, que fique bem claro.


Sim. Isso é óbvio e eu sei disso... Só que é justamente isso que me assusta.


Esse contexto só é óbvio porque sabemos que existe alguma espécie de maldade e que seja lá como for (consciente ou inconscientemente) isso habita em cada um de nós. Viver, ou melhor... Sobreviver, ao meu ver, se trata justamente sobre isso:


Uma aliança eterna com a maldade com o foco de continuar vivendo.


Chegar até aqui e dizer que nem toda maldade é maligna é delicado, mas eu diria que nem toda maldade possui a mesma proporção. Se usarmos o exemplo de deixarmos de andar para poupar as vidas das formigas que possivelmente estariam no chão, chegamos a conclusão de que nosso cérebro simplesmente assimila a carnificina de formigas que já fizemos até aqui como algo neutro porque realizamos tamanha atrocidade com o intuito único de sobreviver.


O instinto de sobrevivência humano é definitivamente o precursor do ponto de vista de que é "ok" praticar o mal com algo notavelmente inferior porque o ato de existir e presenciar aquele momento é superior. Afinal de contas o que mais saciaria a ânsia pela vida do que o simples ato de respirar? Nós vivemos, lutamos, conquistamos, reproduzimos e cedemos apenas para presenciar este momento mês após mês, dia após dia, hora após hora, minuto após minuto e segundo após segundo. Isto que é viver.


Viver é saciar sua maldade interior diariamente.


Não sei ao certo o mal físico que possivelmente causei para quem "ganhou" aquele isqueiro, mas eu sei que de alguma forma eu o ajudei a realizar aquilo que seu instinto mais primórdio desejava:


Viver da sua forma, seja lá como for.



E isto hoje me faz feliz, pois eu consigo ver agora que se até mesmo aquilo mais abominável que possa existir dentro de mim faz questão de me manter vivo, então isto me leva a crer que não existem somente males que vêm para o bem...


... Existem males que fazem o bem.

Obvious.

Uma vez alguém me disse "essa eu dedico pra você" e, por incrível que pareça, isso foi importante; a simetria das palavras aconchegou o meu ser e me trouxe a um estado de espírito calmo que só pude conhecer em alguns curtos períodos da minha vida. Todas as vezes que olho para trás imagino o que teria acontecido, o que poderia ter feito diferente e como evitaria que o óbvio se tornasse realidade. O trágico embate com o inevitável é o tema desse texto e, sendo assim, trago-lhes uma curta visão da minha perspectiva em relação ao assunto e sobre como essa batalha se tornou comum no meu cotidiano. 

"O conforto é o pior inimigo daquele que almeja a mudança".

Talvez seja o meu bioma, talvez seja culpa do meu lado lógico aflorado ou talvez não exista um culpado, mas sempre que eu penso em executar algo isto dá errado. Por algum motivo falhar se tornou uma rotina e aí que começou o meu duelo com o óbvio. Não que eu seja um mal perdedor, mas existe uma diferença cabal entre um perdedor e um masoquista; o perdedor geralmente não se contenta com a derrota e almeja a vitória nos próximos confrontos, já o masoquista gosta de sentir a dor da derrota e se conforta com isso, buscando neste local o seu abrigo. Sinceramente eu fui masoquista com a minha existência durante muito tempo e nem é por isso que não julgo aqueles que se confortam com o sofrimento. Afinal de contas, se sua rotina se tornou falhar a primeira opção para um ser humano é buscar mesmo numa pilha de merda algum motivo pra sorrir.

A questão é que por mais redundante que isso possa soar, o masoquismo machuca.

Só que não é uma ferida de espada que te parte ao meio de imediato, a melancolia é como uma toxina que se torna hospedeira do seu corpo e assim parasita sua vida até drenar sua energia vital. Existem inúmeros nomes, rótulos e até mesmo definições científicas para este assunto que vos trato, mas eu posso lhe garantir que em nenhum deles você lerá algo semelhante a minha definição do que é viver na maré da falha. Por aqui deixo apenas este aperitivo que retrata um espólio da minha realidade e apenas uma página da minha história.

Voltarei em breve e no meu retorno lhes contarei como é possível lutar contra o destino (por mais desgraçado que ele possa ser).

Seja bem vindo, visitante.

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